Proper shopping at Goodwill is like properly conversing on a first date. You don’t want to give them too much information, but you also don’t want to overwhelm them with your awesomeness. You just want to get out of that sitch with a bag/stomach full and call it a day.
I, ever the helpful thrifter, would like to give you a few lessons in this department (as well as a few more departments. You know, such as…like, common sense stuff).
1. Don’t make eye contact. You never know what kind of crazies you’ll attract if you give them the time of day. This rule also applies when walking downtown near hobos and in the mall near the center kiosks.
2. Don’t, in any way, look cute. Wear something trendy or ugly, but nothing amazing. You don’t want the other hipster kids to think you’re after their game as well. This rule does not apply to the first date.
3. When the old, old lady shuffles toward you with a size 6 Liz Claiborne dress, and tells you that it would look “Fabulous” on you, accept it graciously and be on your way. If she comes back, do the same thing. If she keeps coming back, tell her to kindly fuck off. You’ve already been through those racks and you don’t miss anything, ever. She should know, she’s been shopping since you got there. Two. Hours. Ago.
4. When something isn’t tagged anymore and you’re asking the salesperson how much it is, pick the boy salesperson and flirt a little. It never hurts when he’s pricing your clothes. This is the only time it’s proper to flirt with him, though.
5. When it’s closing time and you’ve got a cart full of clothes, take them off their hangers while in line. This not only saves the salesperson time, but it ensures that they won’t rip delicate necklines or get the hanger caught on anything. Those people couldn’t give a crap less about the clothes. They just want to go home.
6. Try everything on. You might just think that it’s so cheap and doesn’t matter if it fits, but then it’ll just hang in your closet for a decade until you’re too fat to even dream about wearing it.
7. Look at EVERYTHING. You will find amazing things that were misplaced. Are you an extra small? NO! You’re NOT! You’re an extra small to extra Large! I promise you’ll find something! QUIT THINKING IN SIZES AND THINK IN AMAZING CLOTHES THAT OTHER PEOPLE HID SO THEY COULD COME BACK TO BUY IT ON DOLLAR DAY!
Now, be on your way thrifters! Remember everything I said and good luck!
x’s and o’s and shoes and clothes,